I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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