so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
