you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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