I am in a vortex of obligation.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
