Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
