So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
