Your face is a jimmy john
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Oh god it's open bar.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
