My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
