i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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