They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize