I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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