apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
