if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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