I just saw a hot homeless man
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Randomize
