I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Randomize
