My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
