Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
