The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
