Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
