my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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