my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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