His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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