Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
