its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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