I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
