just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
