if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
