dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
