I can tuck mytits in my pants
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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