May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize