What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
