Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
