dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i dont even know how to be here
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
