Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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