Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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