Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
