When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
