Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Randomize
