You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Randomize
