Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
