It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
