hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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