Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
