What did we do last night that was yellow?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize