All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
