i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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