he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
