Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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