Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize