I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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