The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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