i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
