I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
