dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
