wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
