direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
