my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
