just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
he fucked my hip out of place.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
