last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Enjoy the penises
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
