I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
