i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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