And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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